The Cycle of Abuse and How to Leave
Cycle of Abuse and How to Leave
Eleven years ago I was married to an abuser. Before I met him I had very high self-esteem (maybe even a little too high), was happy in my career, and pretty much worked and got whatever I wanted. Life was good. After I married Justin, he started showing signs of anger in his expressions. That progressed to hitting things, breaking things, and throwing things. The message an abuser is making with this action is “I can do that to you”. This is a tactic to make you scared and fearful of him. The abuse then progressed to physical, mental, financial, and emotional abuse. Abuse is a progression. Violent behavior starts out small and each time the level of intensity increases as the abuser has to get a “higher high” similar to a drug addict.
Never in my life had I met anyone with anger problems like this or as mean and heartless as Justin was. Never was I exposed to this type of behavior in my life. I was never around anyone who would lie and steal like he did either. This guy, after marriage, used my social security number to get credit cards with $5,000.00 to $10,000.00 limits without my knowledge. He maxed them out in the first month, got home before I did and hid the mail when the bills started coming in. It wasn’t until months later when the creditors started calling that I figured out what had happened. He told me everything he purchased with given to him from his rich father. His mom would even lie to me to cover his story. I went to the police to file charges and they wouldn’t do anything because we were married (this part about being married, most people don’t know).
I thought this kind of thing was just something that happened on TV and in the movies. I remember watching a talk show one day and the guest was a victim of domestic violence. I couldn’t believe she was sitting there saying how much she loved him and how she couldn’t leave him. I thought this girl was just nuts. When she said she loved him I asked myself how? How can you love someone who beats on you, I thought. I asked myself why doesn’t she just leave this dude. That, my friend, was my ignorance and my lack of knowledge about being a victim of domestic violence, also called abuse.
The Cycle of Abuse
What is the cycle of Abuse?
First everything is going along just fine.
The next stage in the cycle is the Tension Building stage. This is where the abuser starts showing his/her anger, yells, swears, and criticizes everything. Nothing you can do is good enough. Didn’t matter if it was good enough last week, it may not be good enough this week. This is where the abused walks on egg shells, tries do to everything possible to make the abuser satisfied and nothing works.
The next stage is the Explosion stage. This is when the threats start. This is where there is a look in the abuser’s eyes like you’ve never seen. A look of rage. A glassy stare. Some might even say devilish. This is where is abuser explodes with acts of violence and rage towards his/her spouse.
The next stage is the Honeymoon stage. Yep, that’s right, the honeymoon stage. This is when the abuser apologizes, says he/she will never do it again, makes promises, and brings gifts. This is where Justin would become the world’s greatest romantic. This is where the abused falls back in love with the abuser.
Then everything is back to the beginning, going along just fine and this is where the cycle of abuse starts all over again.
Why can’t you just leave?
Most abused individuals are humiliated because of what their life has become. They are ashamed this has happened . They live in terrible fear because of the threats the abuser has made. In my case, Justin told me that if I ever tried to leave him he would kill my youngest child and my dear father and I believed him. I actually believed he was capable of doing just that. That’s one reason it’s difficult for a victim of domestic violence to leave. They don’t leave because of fatal threats, pure fear, and the low self-esteem they now have from all of the verbal and emotional abuse.
How to leave:
Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult and very dangerous. Leaving an abuser will trigger a rage of violence. Leaving an abuser takes time and careful planning (seek a victim’s advocate). You’ll need someone to help you, someone you can trust not to tell the abuser. Ask them to be patient with you and to work with you as you follow the escape plan. Slowly gather items you will need once you’re on your own and ask your friend to keep the items for you. Do not take things that will be noticed once removed. You’ll need to plan your next place to live or where you’re going to go. This must be in place before you leave. Maybe this is with a friend, family member, shelter, or a new place you’ve secured yourself.
You’ll want to seek help from a victims advocate. Your local courts can help you with this connection. The victims advocate will assist you getting back on your own feet.
Sounds simple right? Let me share more of my story with you. After Justin and I divorced (which took a lot of planning to get him to agree with the divorce) he moved back home with his family in a different state. After a few months (I really don’t remember how long it was) Justin returned where I lived and tried to suffocate me. Once I was lifeless he let go and I was able to breathe again. At this point he realized what he had done and knew I’d call the police. He then had to think of a plan so he wouldn’t go to jail. He told me how he was going to snap my neck and throw me in a lake. I was able to do some major acting and get him to believe me that if he just let me go he could walk free. I was so convincing that he finally did leave. When I knew the coast was clear I went immediately to the police. Before driving there I drove around to make sure he wasn’t following me. I told the police where he was staying and they went and arrested him.
Realize and understand the abuse was not your fault. You’ve been told it was your fault and that’s not true, do don’t accept that blame. You might find comfort in learning about your abusers personality disorder so you can accept the things he did was not your fault. You may research Sociopath and Narcissistic personalities. You’ll also want to get yourself into therapy or counseling to rebuild your self-esteem. Your local courts can connect you with community support groups and I highly recommend these once a week.
If you are currently in an abusive relationship and need help you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY). If you would like to reach out to me for more help please email me at Rhonda@RhondaNeely.
Readers, can you offer guidance? Have you ever been in a similar situation? What did you do? What advice do you have to offer?
"They absolutely do NOT deserve to be turned away. I too am a former victim of domestic abuse. Not a whole lot of people know this except the people involved in our case and close friends and some family members. In my case I never looked as bad as the woman in that picture because he always knew to leave marks where they did not show. Also, the final straw with him, the night I finally realized hey I have to get away from him or he is going to kill me for real or I am going to kill him in self defense, is the night that he pinned me against the refrigerator and wrapped a telephone cord around my neck and almost choked me to death, then when the police showed up admitted to them that he was trying to kill me. I stayed in this relationship for four years. The last three abusive years. I wanted so desperately to leave him but he told me if I ever left him he would hunt me down and kill me and that if I ever left him for another man that he would kill both of us. Later, after I was away from him, I Finally admitted to my parents what I had went through the last three years and needless to say they were shocked, hurt, and angry. My mother wanted to know why I stayed with him and took it. I told her that he had threatened to burn the house down with all of us in it and that as long as I stayed with him, even though I was being put through a living hell, that I knew my family was safe. I was afraid to stay with him, and feared constantly for my life. But I was more afraid to leave him and take the chance that he would actually hurt or kill someone in my family. I have to say this though ladies, domestic violence, domestic abuse, domestic battery is real. The pain is real, the bruises are real. If you man, is hitting on you, choking you, throwing things at you, slapping, name calling, I beg you to get away from them as fast as you can. Do not fear. Someone somewhere will help you and help you to be safe."
"Don't be stupid like I was.. don't think you can change them or that they will change, because the truth of the matter is, they will not change and you cannot change them. First and foremost they have to want to change and then they have to change themselves. You cannot do it for them. You do not have to take their crap. One day, it could be too late for you, like it almost was for me. Thank God I got out when I did, because I have no doubt that if I had not gotten out one of us would be dead. And another thing, do not believe them when they say, "I’m sorry! It will never happen again.. I swear… give me one more chance. I love you" Bull bologna. They do not love you, and they are not capable of loving even themselves at this point. They cannot love you if they cannot love themselves first. Please I beg you… your very life, or the life of your child could depend on this. If your man hits you, beats you, and your child sees this, or hears this, you are not only putting your child in jeopardy, but, are teaching that child that it is okay for daddy to hit mommy. Think of your child/children first. Get out while you can. Don't think about it; don't plan it, just go with the clothes on your back if you have to. Material things can be replaced your life or the life of your child cannot be replaced. This is a subject I am very passionate about, and I am writing a book about domestic, verbal, emotional, mental, and sexual abuse. Ladies I've been there and done that, and I almost died… Every few minutes somewhere in the United States, women are being beaten, children are being beaten, children are witnessing this, and sadly a lot of them die. Please, I implore you, do not be a statistic. Get out now… right now… if you are a victim of violence of any kind, pick up your child, walk out the door, don't look back and know that God loves you. You are special he did not mean for you to be treated like crap. If you need to talk, I am always an instant message or email away."
Remember God does love you and so do I… REMEMBER RULE NUMBER ONE. AT ALL COSTS KEEP YOUSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN SAFE… AND RULE NUMBER TWO… REMIND YOURSELF OF RULE NUMBER ONE!
What a great post! Thank you for sharing your story!
Thanks Lucretia for stopping by and leaving your comment. I hope that if you know someone in this situation or learn of someone is an abusive relationship you’ll remember to send them here. I’m here to help.
My husband is psychologically and economically abusing me. It began when I moved with him in CA with him as my sponsor in my immigration. He is selfish and terrible with money. He knew I cannot work yet but he let me put up with all immigration expenses and my personal need including medical needs. Thank God I got my greencard after more than 2 terrible years with him. Now I am trying to get a job so I can somehow pay off some financial obligations I incurred to survive in this marriage. Do you think it's time to leave him? He is a control freak and a tight man. He even took back my wedding and engagement rings he gave me during our marriage. I really want to file a case against him but right now it is just a waste of time. I need to have income to survive. I hope and pray I can get some Godly counsel from you so I can confirm it in my heart to leave him.
Hi Joy! Thanks for your comment.
If you feel you are being abused, then it’s time to leave and call the authorities on him for abuse but realize abuse according to your values and according to the law may or may not be the same.
As for the immigration and medical expenses, was it agreed upon before migrating to CA how this would be handled? Did the two of you discuss what each person’s role would be in the marriage? These are questions other readers should consider before migrating to the US before doing so.
The question to ask is can this marriage be saved? What problems can be resolved? What problems cannot be resolved? The two of you need to discuss your problems and determine what the possibilities are.
I was just wondering……is it possible for an abuser to change his ways and stop hurting the woman he is with? I was reading your story and I cried so hard because that is my life exactly! The cycle of abuse, Everything! It’s scary to see it put out there before my eyes. Some people know about my situation but no idea of the extent. I’ve lost all my friends and my children were taken from me because they cannot be exposed to the violence anymore. I’m in the process of trying to get them back. He says he’s trying to change but that its me who is the core reason for our problems. No matter what I do I am always wrong. My life has fallen apart completely over the past 4 years that we have been together and often times I just wish I was dead. I’m not suicidal by any means I guess I just wish I could e a different in a different body. I feel like an idiot everytime I let him back in and I get hurt. Not even a day goes by that he doesn’t abuse me in some shape way or form. He has severe bipolar disorder which he is unmedicated for but if he starts to get help for his mental illness could he change? I just want to know if there’s any chance that he will turn into someone that will treat me good and like a Woman again…….
Amanda, usually an abuser doesn’t change. They can, and I have seen it happen and the marriage turns out to be great. In your situation there is one thing that concerns me and that is his severe bipolar disorder. Even with medication, it’s been my experience that the men don’t like taking the meds because it makes them feel abnormal from their normal.
I’m guessing there are some issues in your husbands childhood that causes his anger and his abusive rages. If he never gets those issues resolved, with professional help, he will more than likely remain angry and abusive!!!
Typically, a male abuser will abuse every woman he’s with or been with.
I hope and pray you get your children back so they can have a good life and as long as you’re with your husband you more than likely wont get them back and in my own personal opinion, they don’t need to be in a home with such violence and neither do you.
I know it’s hard, I know it’s hard to leave…I get it! I’ve been there. I let him back in time and time again.
I say this to you…Love yourself enhough to say “no more”! No more will I be abused, no more will I be told I can’t do anything right, no more will I feel life is not worth living (this thought is one of your ideas to make the abuse stop), no more will I be treated like this! No more will I go a day without my children and not being the mommy I am supposed to be to them, no more will I be away from my friends.
You deserve better!
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