My Husband is Verbally Abusive. What Can I Do?

My Husband Is Verbally Abusive. What Can I do?
 
Unhappy Couple 150x150 My Husband is Verbally Abusive. What Can I Do?
 
How do you know if your husband is verbally abusive? He tells you your arms are fat, you’re not attractive anymore, he says you’re always doing things the wrong way, you’re a lousy mother, your cooking tastes horrible, no one else will want you, you aren’t smart enough to hold down a job, my friends think you’re a which, you’re ugly, you’re fat, you’re stupid, or you’re selfish.
You’ve endured name calling, you’re afraid to speak your mind in fear of how he might respond, you watch him throw a temper tantrum like a 2 year old, or he gives you the silent treatment.
Verbal abuse will destroy you if you allow it to! You’ll start to believe his comments, you’ll lose your self-esteem, you’ll lose your happiness, and you’ll also lose your love for him. You’ll lose your inner self and that’s exactly what he wants.  Depression will become the nature of your life. That’s not what you want is it?
 
Why is he like this?
Men are often verbally abusive by saying derogatory remarks, insults, name calling, and playing mind games, because they feel inadequate about themselves. This behavior is an attempt to exercise control and dominance in your marriage.  Truth be known, he believes he‘s not good enough for you. He’s afraid you are going to leave him so he acts in this manner so he’s not the one left standing alone. What he doesn’t realize is he’s pushing you right out the door.
 
What can you do?
We’ve determined your husband is controlling and verbally abusive from the paragraphs above. So now what do you do? You may want to try some of the following techniques:
  1. He is looking to provoke you into getting angry, sad, or upset. Don’t let this happen! Remember, this is exactly what he wants and it is exactly what gives him the control. At first he’s not going to know how to react when you don’t give him the control. Many times, he’ll get even angrier because he isn’t able to gain the control. Make sense? Do not get into an argument with him; do not defend yourself (you don’t need to prove to him how great you are you just need to know that you are great). 
  2. You might try phrases like “Stop” or “Back Off” or “This is not healthy” even “I’m not going to participate in this type of behavior with you”. A wholesome tongue is a tree of life.
  3. Focus on your self-esteem. Find the wonderful person you were when the two of you met. Don’t let go of that person ever, for anyone. Know you are created perfectly in God’s image, know that you are loved, and love yourself. Don’t ever let anyone steel that away from you, ever.
  4. Do not point out his faults. This only takes you down to his level and that’s not the way God intended your marriage to be, belittling each other. That’s not the way you want to be either is it?
  5. Do all that you can do to get your husband to believe in himself. For whatever reason, someone in his life failed to boost his self-esteem, and maybe even damaged his beliefs about himself by telling him he is no good. The way to get your husband to believe in himself and to boost his self-esteem is to encourage him every day, at the least…every day!! Tell him what he does well. Tell him he looks nice (if he does); tell him over and over and over again the great qualities about him. This is not a process that can be turned around overnight, it will take some time. You must continue to praise and complement your husband, even when he can’t compliment you. Eventually, in return he will mock your behavior and begin to compliment you. The more he loves himself, the more he can love you. He may not admit his faults, but your words may be remembered the next time he finds himself speaking abusively to you.
  6. Evaluate your relationship. When a husband and wife are truly living “in Love” they don’t want to hurt each other, instead they are continuously praising, encouraging, and supporting each other.
If you find your abuse is more than you can tolerate seek help immediately.
Contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or 1.800.787.3224 (TTY). Keep your local law enforcement involved.
* People who are interested in helping men, women and children get out of abusive relationships may consider pursuing an online social work degree from OLLU online.

124 Responses to My Husband is Verbally Abusive. What Can I Do?

  1. Dear GOD,
    Take away my husband bad flirty mouth of cursing and screaming loudly in the streets and in the house sometimes to me or the kids. Clean up his mouth, mind, body and soul. Take away negativity and put positivity with me and the boys. Lord help us right away. AMEN

  2. I’ve tried to bolster my husbands ego ( we’ve been married for 36 years)and be gentle in my responses as to not provoke him, but what do you do when he repeatedly tells you he wishes you would drop dead? He wasn’t always the monster he has become, he was fun to be with and very self confident. I don’t recognize him any more, this man hates me. He now refers to all women (not just me) as b..ches. I can’t figure out what went wrong. I’ve loved him for many years I just don’t know what else to do, I want my hubby-bubby back!

    • Sounds like your husband has something going on inside of him that is unresolved. Seek out a marriage counselor as soon as possible.

  3. I have been married for 14yrs i am 32yrs old, we seperated right after being married. he was being controling, he went to prison and we figured lets give it one more try, we did end ever since then, it seems like he hates me! i can never do anything right he calls me names and spits in my face, puts me down every chance he gets, the sad thing is, sometimes i deserve it! i know it sounds like a kleshey but thats how i feel, i am scared that if i try to leave he will really hurt me! please any edvice is apprisiated

    • No one deserves to be called names or to be spat on. You need to make sure you call the authorities every time your husband abuses you. The more they know the better. Leaving an abuser can be very dangerous…mine did try to kill me and he spent 2 years in prison for it.

  4. I used to be such a happy person but I don’t even know who I am anymore. I have gotten very good at faking a smile and pretending that everything is perfect. I have been married to my husband for 17 years and keeping hoping it will get better but it never does. I am actually starting believe the horrible things he says about me I want to leave but I don’t have anywhere to turn. I have no money ,I’ve abandoned my family, and my children are around and have been the brunt of a lot of it. Infact he makes a point of making sure they are around when he calls me names. I should have left A long time ago but I’m so scared. He has threatened to kill me and after I told him that I am depressed and need him to be supportive , he told me to kill myself said it over and over I seriously think there is something mentally wrong with him. My youngest daughter left home because she was scared of him with good reason he was physically abusive with her calling her so many horrible things. my oldest daughter was in counceling for it but for some reason now doesn’t see anything wrong with what he does. Infact she is angry with me.i love my children more then anything in this world and I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for allowing this to go on for so long. I wish I would have listened to my mom she was right. And I don’t even tied to her because I was standing up for him. If someone could tell me what to do to get out I don’t know where to turn:(

    • Dear I want to love myself again:

      My heart is aching right now for you but there is hope. Please read my blog post at http://marriagebyredesign.com/leave-abusive-relationship.

      No sense in focusing your energy on what you should have done many years ago, but now placing your focus on what you can do. If after 17 years things haven’t gotten better, do you believe that they will?

      Since you have no money or family that can help, I suggest that you go to your local county’s program for women and children of domestic violence. They can provide you with a place to live as well as help you find a job and they’ll provide food and assistance with your needs. You need to do this for yourself…not for him…but for yourself. There is life after abuse and you can have the life you want. Actually, you can use this experience to motivate you to NEVER give up on your dreams and to shoot for the moon.

      Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Go get the life you want!!!

      Rhonda

  5. I sincerely pray that something happens in this relationship and this.marriage dissolves….after 13 years of unhappiness I truly deserve freedom from this man…. Every day am constantly.being put down and hit. I pray that God in his merciful ways comes to my aid.ky

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